Dehydrated but NOT dead yetđ
Completed post 6/21/16- Funny thing about us humans and how we learn. We often don't know how things work until they stop, working that is. I was assured yesterday by numerous members of my treatment team that this week's events would not be repeated. I had lost almost 10 lbs in 6 days most of it due to severe dehydration. More drugs and different drug regimens, (all against my "DNA" to be discussing one drug countering the effects of another) but as I come out of the fog of denial about how serious this all is and understand more of the biology of my cancer I understand that even my immune system may not be able to uncloak the wiley nature of my cancer. Hence the both and approach of diet, lifestyle AND chemotherapy. This is my strategy of loving this cancer into the submission of the God in his temple in me. My dear friend and fellow artist, Lisa Tofano wrote a prayer that I think expresses it best...
"Visualizing each cell in your body as a work of art by our Creator, working together to heal, restore and rebalance. Visualizing Our Lord's mighty angels protecting you and worshipping with you as you travel this journey." -Amen
I am attempting to evade metaphors and images that evoke warfare and battle . Mostly because it just seems counter to what I'm attempting to achieve, in spite of the fact that having the cancer commit 'apoptosis' or naturally dying is the plan. Maybe a more accurate picture is having the rogue cancer cells fall on their swords in light of the defenses being mounted against them.
This is the visual picture I think I should cling to. No question that cancer is wiley and its coping mechanisms to survive at the sacrifice of it's host is legendary. However my go to position in almost all of life is one of putting up my dukes ...and fight...fight...fight. This is a type of imagery that does seem to work but since it is a "war" going on INSIDE of me I am choosing to use images of peace and harmony and homeostasis to cling to. Maybe peacekeeping forces within is the right mix. Peacekeeping forces led by mighty Angels of love. Because Lord knows my healthy cells are experiencing collateral damage. The last few days have certainly revealed that. I have been left weak, and discouraged but not without hope. Last night my dear daughter in law, Barbara, called and was such an encouraging presence. I told her what I needed was a midwife for cancer like she is with her pregnant moms...
"You can do this, just a few seconds left of this wave of nausea, in a little while you WILL feel better...great job... keep the end goal in mind, we all love you and are behind you!"
God is faithful and Gilbert is faithful and my precious family is faithful and you dear friends are faithful, there is much for which I am grateful. Lord have mercy!