Who AM I trusting...

When it comes down to it, where the rubber meets the road, if you will, it is about who I am placing my trust in. Last summer, exactly one year ago this week in fact, Gilbert was driving me to the ER with severe abdominal pains that had kept me up all night. Our anniversary night in fact. It would be discovered I was in severe kidney spasms due to a massive infection that had me on the verge of septicemia from an injury to my kidney and hit to my immune system from the accident.

I was having a wrestling match right there in the car with God. Well it was probably more honestly me doing a silent rant about going to the one place I didn't want to go, trusting the same people who had hurt me in the past. I was in the same place I am today really. My conclusion right there in the front seat was that I was not trusting in the medical profession or a set of doctors or nurses but I sensed clearly that I was being asked to trust myself to the ONE I could trust.

In all my journeys through life God is the only one who has been faithful and ever present. When all others may have abandoned or disappointed I found God to always be faithful.

Faithful in the love of my husband and sons. Faithful in His care and provision for us. Faithful in His love for me. I stopped ranting and relaxed with a deep calming peace. I could trust God, He has held me faithfully all these many years and He would continue to hold me.

Now on this journey with cancer I am choosing to trust Him again, and NOT myself or others. Knowing that He is the one who carries me when I cannot carry myself. I'm good at carrying myself! I'm well practiced from a lifetime of doing. Now I am choosing to step into a place of BEING and trusting in God as he so beautifully works through others.

For all of you who are choosing to love me in this, I give my thanks, beyond words. You are loving me and a tangible representative of God in the journey.

And, for those asking, I still don't know WHEN I begin chemotherapy treatment. I meet with Dr Block's oncology associate on Thursday. Then the paperwork goes to insurance, then we wait. Thanks be to God for all His healing so far, He remains faithful.