I am at the end of the 21 day cycle of round 4. I had a little less difficulty with this last round either because of the 2 week break or the 10% reduction of the Taxotere medication, but probably because of both. I'm struggling with having to go forward with round 5😩

It's so hard to know I'm heading into another 2 weeks of feeling horrible AGAIN 😢.

In situations that are surrounded by difficulty it makes one realize that it truly is the simple things in life that bring us joy. A Sunday morning unhurried breakfast, an afternoon without scheduled activities, a chat with family or friends ...

I posted this on my Facebook page last night ...

"I'm wondering how long you can step away from your life and still find it there when you come back. Difficult to not wonder if you won't have a place in your own life upon returning.

Another thing I must let go of.

Our time with Dr Block yesterday was productive and hard, for all of us. We drilling into Dr Block asking hard questions and demanding answers beyond opinion and for us getting hard answers focused on my long term survival not so much on current side affects. 😩

We had a wonderful time away, camping laughing and if truth be told enjoying real food. Each day removed from the chemotherapy I felt better and stronger so it is very hard to come home to the prospect of feeling miserable again. We meet again today with Dr Block. Please pray for wisdom and discernment as we move forward.😝😩

In the game of LIFE we must be present to win. Currently I am on vacation in one of my favorite spots on earth, Door County, WI with some of my favorite people, my family.

The latest bracelet in a series is a sterling silver flower hand forged from silver sheet. The hummingbird is busy collecting nectar from this flower. I'm at the half way part of this series of treatments so although it has been brutal, hence the black leather cord, I am celebrating what has gone before and grateful that I am getting a break instead of having to start again tomorrow.😔

This week I finally have felt well enough to get back to some normal activities. It has been a very difficult week emotionally and I'm pretty sure my gut health or rather, lack of health is a big part of that.

As a 5th generation entrepreneur, the notion of vulnerability with my emotions is not something that comes naturally to me. We tend to be the rugged individual type ...to say the least.

Headed back to Block Center this morning for day 3 of round 3. Still feeling exhausted and neuropathy is a continuing concern. Fine motor control is being affected which is very scary to me as an artist.

Today begins the assessment and consult with Dr Block and preparation for the infusion day on tomorrow for round 3.

I'm repeatedly aware of how all of these painful and difficult experiences tend to narrow my focus on an hour by hour basis in that when you are in pain you just find it difficult to be able to have a ken of a whole lot else. You, by necessity, find yourself in a fetal position either literally or figuratively. It cuts out so much of my life. My work, which, I have gained new appreciation for my love of doing.

So today I felt well enough to get into my studio for a little while. Always a huge win, only happened twice in the last 6 weeks. Completed my bracelet in honor of round 2 of chemotherapy. It is made from a real stone, smoothed and battered by the waves of the lakeshore, a lot like me I guess.

The accepted side effects of chemotherapy are such that it is, to me, unbelievable that these would be considered normative and within what is ok.??. I cannot help but believe there will come a day that we look backwards, actually it's hard for me to not say it now, with the declaration that what we do to cancer patients in the name of a cure is barbaric.

Receiving help is hard to do.

So many of us are willing and happy to help others but when on the receiving end of things, we are brought low, humbled and forced to accept our neediness, and our helpless state.

In this journey with cancer there is a very strange reality of feeling cut in two or bisected, if you will. There is the well grounded reality of my life in my body, familiar with it's rhythms and healing power, in tune with my health and well being.

Many thanks for all your prayers and good wishes today. I managed to get through the scans and we should have results in a few days. It would be great to get some good news after a very difficult week of chemotherapy and it's side effects.

I've made intentional effort in my life to not wish it away. To not wish things to be over before I've lived them fully. Dealing with chemotherapy is one thing that is very difficult to not just want to be done with, to wish it away.

In many ways and through the help of many of you and our conversation with Dr Block yesterday I felt a shift last night. I saw and heard the hummingbirds in the garden, literally and figuratively in seeing God's love given out and multiplied many times over.